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Kitchen 8

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It was stupid

~ evilcam on Kitchen #8


On the 26th of January, 2007, LostSpartan 087 posted a thread on the Flood forum to ask the users to vote for kitchen #8 in a contest to choose "The ugliest kitchen", during the course of the day, the thread gained extreme activity including Bungie.net employee "Frankie", several threads were posted to keep up to date with the contest, and even a Bungie.net group called Followers of Kitchen 8 was formed to "worship" the kitchen. During the peak hours of the thread, a user named "Darkness Howls" posted a message saying that he was going to email a joke message to the poll's site webmaster saying that the Flood users (Floodians) and their "master" Frankie had rigged the poll, and they all resided in New Orleans and told them to send the police to "exterminate" them. The letter was sent however, fearing that the webmaster may believe the letter, a second letter may have been sent confirming the letter as a joke.

The discovery of Kitchen #8 also lead to the founding of Kitchenism, a religion dedicated to Kitchen #8. The religion is very new, but already has a rich history including 8 special rules called "the 8 Kitchenmanments." The 8 kitchenmanments:

1. Thou shalt not taketh the holy name of kitchen number 8 in vain.

2. Thou shalt worship no other kitchens before kitchen number 8.

3. Thou shalt not commit adultery with your garbage disposal.

4. Remember kitchen number 8, and keep it holy.

5. Thou shalt not covet your neighbors kitchen.

6. Thou shalt not steal from your neighbor's kitchen.

7. Thou shalt not destroy kitchen number 8, any other kitchen is fine.

8. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy kitchen

The main advertisement used on the site usually goes along the lines of "Those willing to join Kitchenism and aid Kitchen #8 on it's glorious path to cookware salvation and smite the evil kitchen #7 must also be prepared to undertake this oath: When we joined the contest we took an oath. On the blood of our forefathers, on the blood of our sons, we swore to uphold Kitchen #8. Those who would break this oath are heretics. Worthy of neither pity, nor mercy. They offend all who walk the path. We shall grind them into dust... and continue our march to glorious salvation!"

The oath in this Advertisement parodies a quote from Half Jaw (The only difference is Half Jaw said "We swore to uphold the Covenant")

The Book of Kitchen #8: In The Beginning, In the days of yore before the discovery and subsequent colonization of Closet # 12, Kitchen #8 sat in the dark of the Universe, and decided it was time for action. He first created the floor, a place for his followers to be and view his Awesomeness and worship him as he sat on his Golden Dinner Chair. But Kitchen 8 saw that his followers would need somewhere to keep their belongings, for even though Kitchen 8 was mighty, he was not one to take from those who had earned. It was then that Kitchen 8 created Cabinets for his followers, and he was pleased with his creation. Kitchen 8 then saw that his followers were becoming cold, because he had forgotten to pay the gas bill, 'cause, you know, being supreme Kitchen just doesn't quite pay the bills. So Kitchen 8 siphoned the gas line from his neighbor's house into himself, and constructed an Oven for his followers to have warmth while they basked in the Kitchen's Awesomeness.

The Kitchen saw that the vast number of followers were growing, and that more space was needed. So the Kitchen used his Amazing Powers and created The Hanging Cabinets of Eden, N.C. The followers rejoiced in this new storage space, and worshiped him even more.

Trouble arrases in the East

It was at the creation of the Hanging Cabinets of Eden, N.C., that the far-off followers of Kitchen 8 became angered that their prayers had not been answered. It was there that some of Kitchen 8's followers began to worship closer, but lesser Kitchen's, such as Kitchen 7, the satanic, and Kitchen 10, the lowly. They began using their combined strength to harm Kitchen 8 and his followers, using vile tactics such as leaving the Cabinets open, and making water pipes bust. In his weakened state, Kitchen 8 called upon his closest follower, LostSpartan 087, to become a prophet for his followers. LostSpartan called for the assistance of the loyal followers of Kitchen 8 to fight back against the vile compatriots of Kitchen's 7 and 10. And So It Began...

GE-had

The epic battle between Kitchen 8 and Kitchen's 7 and 10 still rages to this day, but with Kitchen 8 leading his followers into the divine makeover. Many believers think that win this war is over, Kitchen 8 shall take his followers to the new Kitchen, where they will bask in the glory of multiple sinks and stoves.

Links

Kitchen 8 on Bungie.net

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